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A regular look at the best (and worst) that the web has to offer...
People often say that religion can tell us a lot about ourselves. Recently I had a chance to put this to the test, thanks to the web pages of The Kabalarians.
The Kabalarian Philosophy (TM) was developed in the 1930s by a Canadian named Alfred Parker. Mr Parker undertook an exhaustive, in-depth study of all the world's religions, and came to an earth-shattering conclusion: They're all basically the same, aren't they? Pantheistic Hinduism, godless Buddhism, fundamentalist Islam... Looking at the basic principles, you'd be hard pressed to tell them apart.
Mr Parker also realised that the universal goodness of Christ had not been fully applied to the lives of the people of the world. He reasoned that this must be because of our lack of knowledge about our own minds. After studying under a Swami for a f ew years, he realised the key to the whole problem: a link between numbers, the symbols of language, and the human mind.
What does it all mean? Well, basically you tell the Kabalarians your name, and they use the universal rules of their philosophy to analyze it letter by letter. This allows them to determine your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, the forces which shape your life, and so on.
Naturally I was excited. I hurried to The Kabalarian Name Analysis page and looked up my name. The result seemed unpleasantly close to the truth, so I decided to look up the names of some famous people, to see if I could get some insight into their lives.
It seemed to me that the more distinctive a person's first name was, the more specific the Kabalarians' predictions ought to be. So I tried to think of famous people with distinctive first names...
Here are some quotes from the Kabalarians' analysis of Madonna:
Your name of Madonna causes you to place considerable importance upon the material aspect of life.
Because she's living in a material world, and she is a material girl... Eerie, huh?
You have an eye for quality, desiring always the very best that money can buy, and you are not content with anything that is second best.
Sounds like the life of a rich celeb to me.
It is a name, however, which destroys the finer, sensitive qualities that should be a part of a woman; also, it would take away your more spontaneous, natural expression that you feel within and that you would long to convey.
I think anyone who has seen "Sex" will agree that it looks anything but spontaneous.
To the degree that this name is used, you could suffer female disturbances, with severe trouble during childbirth.
Or perhaps not. Personally I think it would be really cool if Madonna's little girl turned out to be the second coming of the Messiah. Not the Lord Jesus Christ born of the virgin Madonna; rather, our Christ Lourdes born to Madonna Like A Virgin. An d a female messiah would drive the Catholics crazy, which has to be a good thing.
Well, the analysis of Madonna was spot-on. How about Elvis?
... Indulgence in the heavier foods which are slow to digest, coupled with extreme tension in the solar plexus, could cause stomach and intestinal trouble of a serious nature.
Or in other words: watch out, or you'll end up dying on the john. Wow, maybe there's something to this Kabalarian Philosophy (TM) after all?
Incidentally: The web pages of the National Archives mention that the image of Elvis meeting Nixon is the most requested document, surpassing the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Makes you proud, doesn't it?
On that constitutional note, let's take a look at the name which has shaped the leader of the free world...
The name of William gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature. You stick stubbornly to your ideas or decisions, in spite of any appeals or advice; you are not willing to accept a compromise...
No, wait, that's William. Wrong page.
Due to the influence of the name Bill you try to impress others with the scope of your ambitions and an assumed standard of success that you may not yet have really attained. You find yourself spending lavishly to impress others, forsaking your more immediate needs and responsibilities, since the appearance of success is of prime importance to you... However, you invariably over-estimate your resources and capabilities with the result that you cannot fulfil your promises. You then resort to imaginative schemes in attempting to find an easy way out when it would be better to concede failure.
Ah, so that's why he shortens it to Bill. Now it all makes sense.
What of the Queen of Daytime TV?
The name of Oprah creates a very quiet, practical nature. You find it difficult to join in conversation with those with whom you are not well-acquainted. You could feel quite alone and uncommunicative in a large crowd.
Thank heavens, somehow Ms Winfrey manages to fight her shyness and force herself to walk into that audience. Thanks to video special effects and the everpresent autocue, uncommunicative Oprah can fool us into thinking she's talking to the audience.
You desire so much to be understood, but your name has limited your verbal expression to such an extent that it is very difficult for you to divulge your innermost thoughts even to your best friend...
How true. The world can only speculate as to what Oprah may be thinking. Maybe she has something to say about Mad Cow Disease, for example? We'll probably never know. But that leads on nicely to our next famous personality...
How about The Iron Lady?
... You suffer greatly with lack of confidence and self-consciousness.
Yes, if only poor Maggie had gone on a few assertiveness training courses...
You are a very idealistic and romantic person within yourself and may have tried to express your beautiful thoughts through poetry or writing. You crave affection and understanding, yet because you can be so easily and deeply hurt, you have learned to keep your true nature hidden; therefore people do not really know you.
She fooled us all those years. Beneath it all she was a sensitive poet who just wanted to be loved.
How about the most infamous name of the 20th Century?
... You crave love, affection, and sympathy. You dislike friction between people and strive to resolve differences by the use of diplomacy.
It sounds as though Adolf Hitler has quite a bit in common with Margaret Thatcher. So no surprises there.
Let's finish up with one more famous mad dictator...
The name of Josef gives you the desire to meet and mix and to create a congenial climate, but you invariably express yourself in a matter-of-fact and blunt way that results in your good intentions being misunderstood... While you are easy to please, you always give first consideration to your self-interests.
Quite. People called them show trials, but that was all a misunderstanding. Easy-to-please Uncle Joe just wanted a friendly chat, so he could look after the best interests of the people.
If you are in sales work, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please.
So Stalin missed his true calling: he should have worked as a door-to-door encyclopedia and manifesto salesman.
Well, I'm convinced, so I'm inviting you to go visit The Kabalarians' web site. Let me know about any interesting or amusing insights you gain regarding the lives of the rich and famous. Hopefully I'll be back in a few weeks with another look at the corners of the web...
mathew
The Kabalarian Philosophy is a trademark of The Kabalarians, and frankly they're welcome to it.
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Last updated: Wednesday, 30-Nov-2005 17:06:10 CST
