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Internet Infidels: Web.Scan: 1998: March

...in space

The Clown Prince of Astrophysics

I have a short, shameful confession to make: For some years now, I've been a fan of the amazing scientific theories of Ted Holden. I was introduced to his work around 1993; at the time, he was a regular poster on talk.origins. I expect he's still chewing up bandwidth there, but these days he has a web site too. So if you've never encountered his theories before, now's your chance for a good laugh. Check out Catastrophism: The Emerging Science of Origins.

Ted is a follower of the great crank scientist Immanual Velikovsky. Velikovsky's act of genius, as far as I can make out, was to come up with the following 'scientific' methodology:

Take a common mythological story.
Assume the myth is actually a literal description of events as they occurred.
Assume those events can be explained by the movement of the planets.
Come up with some sort of model for how the solar system must have behaved to put some planets in the right places.
Pick another myth, and repeat.

As you can probably guess, this approach requires a certain amount of, shall we say, flexibility with regard to the laws of physics. In fact, Ted Holden's approach makes Star Trek look like A Brief History of Time.

What amuses me is the way Ted takes a few false premises, applies something approaching logical reasoning, and spirals off into theories so bizarre they can only be considered as comedy. For instance, here's my brief summary of his "Megafauna" argument:

It is fairly easy to demonstrate that no animal larger than an elephant could live in our world today -- animals any larger would collapse in a heap and suffocate due to their own weight.
Dinosaurs with long necks would be unable to pump blood to their brains without the pressure causing their veins and arteries to rupture. Their necks and heads would be so heavy that they wouldn't be able to lift them high enough to eat the leaves from trees.
Ancient art from the pliestocene era depicts mammoth elephants galloping. Yet we know that in today's world, elephants cannot gallop, jump, leap, or otherwise frolic.
The only rational explanation is that the force of gravity in prehistoric times must have been less than it is today.

Ted estimates that gravity must have been about a third of its current strength. But how to explain it? Ah, well, now it's time for some creative astrophysics:

The Earth must have once orbited very close to some other astronomical body -- a small star. The small star was so close that its gravitational pull partially counteracted that of the Earth -- like the Moon causing tides, only stronger.
Many myths speak of a golden age of eternal Springtime. Therefore the Earth must have kept the same side towards this small star. Hence no seasons, and stable lowered gravity.

Ted identifies this small star as the planet Saturn, based on the fact that Saturn used to be worshipped a lot and described as the most conspicuous planet. Maybe Jupiter was there too, in a kind of trinary system.

Unfortunately, some troublesome skeptics have pointed out that if the Earth were really close enough to Saturn to lower the surface gravity to a third, the earth would be ripped apart by tidal forces. So it's time for Ted to throw in a little Star Trek physics:

The gravitational pull of Saturn cannot alone account for the Earth's gravity being one third of its present value. That would require the Earth to be in too close an orbit.
Therefore our current theories of gravity must be incorrect. Part of the gravitational reduction must be the result of some other kind of force, such as the electromagnetic force.
The Earth must have been caught in an electromagnetic flux tube between the Sun and Saturn -- or Super-Uranus, as it's also known. This flux tube had the side effect of modifying the gravitational field of the Earth.

Hence the Magnetic Bottle Theory. Ted has plenty of other theories too, and they're all just as funny. But Ted's not the only serious follower of Velikovsky; another disciple writes:

"Albert Einstein is said to have left a copy of one of Velikovsky's books open on his desk at his death."

Wow! Sadly, Scientific American goes and spoils the story by revealing that Einstein had written "wild fantasy" and "nonsense" in the margins. But at least he read it, and to the Catastrophists, that's endorsement enough...

For more yuks, try The Velikovsky Home Page. I particularly enjoyed the bizarre juxtaposition of subject matter -- anyone for Velikovsky, dentist recommendations, house building, and after dinner entertainment? I'm surprised the guy doesn't deliver pizza too. Actually, maybe I shouldn't be so dismissive, as the author of the page allegedly has a PhD in Plasma Physics. Presumably his thesis was on gravitational weakening in electromagnetic flux tubes.

Then there's AEON, The Journal of Myth and Science. The myth part is easy to spot; let me know if you manage to find any science.

The great thing about Catastrophism seems to be that once you accept its basic truth, you can explain just about anything. Ever wonder how the Israelites crossed the Red Sea? Velikovsky has the answer: The planet Venus, which at the time was a giant comet, was passing very close to the earth. Water molecules are electrical dipoles, and hence the comet's ion tail caused the sea to rise up into mountains of water. What's more, the ion tail was probably that pillar of cloud and fire that the Bible talks about.

If you want to read more of this sort of stuff, head for the Immanuel Velikovsky Page. There you'll find out how to join the Society for Interdisciplinary Studies, and subscribe to their twice-yearly journal of deeply serious scientific research.

Alternatively, Velikovsky's books are now available once more, for the edification and delight of a whole new generation of revolutionary scientists. Ages in Chaos is enthusiastically reviewed by "A Reader"; and the original Worlds in Collision has been reprinted too. Check out the comments from people who've read it -- can all those believers really be wrong?

Actually, I think they probably can. Forget the Saturn Hypothesis -- you could get a more plausible theory out of Uranus.

mathew
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Space images from Sienna Software's excellent "Starry Night" astronomy program.

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