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The best and worst of the web...
Anyone who thinks religion and credit cards don't mix obviously missed the story of Jesus driving the moneylenders into the temple; these days there are plenty of online Christian web sites doing divine e-commerce with their friends at VISA and MasterCard.
This month, I decided to put together a list of bizarre religious merchandise. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to guess which products are genuine -- and which are the ludicrous ones I made up as a joke. No prizes, and no cheating with web search engines. Here we go...
Would you pay ten bucks for a photo of Jesus? What about if someone told you that the photo was printed instantly by a guru waving his hand over photographic paper?
Still not convinced? Well, what if I told you that the photographic paper was actually conjured out of a genuine computer print-out of a scanned photograph of the Shroud of Turin? Pretty impressive stuff, huh?
The problem with handing out tracts is that nobody wants to take 'em. Well, here's a solution: tracts you can eat! They're available in three minty flavors, and individually wrapped in verses from the Bible. They're called Testamints (TM). Four tins for under $20.
You know how it is... you've just finished a game of squash and you're in the hot, steamy locker room, trying to keep your mind pure. What you need is sports clothing with a Christian message. What you need is... Jesus socks!
Tastefully imprinted with "JESUS CHRIST" and the exclusive "JC" logo, these white cotton tube socks are perfect for any sporting event, and a mere $7.50 Canadian. Complete the ensemble with a "JC rules!" T-shirt for another $15 Canadian.
Now on home video, the story of the epic struggle of two dedicated Christian news reporters to uncover the truth -- that the President of the European Union is the AntiChrist! Thrill to the drama of the Last Days for a mere $30.
Are you suffering from pre-millennial tension? Concerned that you might be at ground zero for the forthcoming apocalypse? What you need is a set of full color maps showing how the United States will look in the End Times. Find out whether your city is going to be underwater.
But that's not all! These maps also show the Galactic Web, the other Grand Canyon, and the new location where the legendary Lost City of Atlantis will rise up from the ocean depths -- as exclusively revealed by the Holy Virgin Mary herself!
Perhaps religion is for the birds? If so, they'll love a handmade wooden birdhouse in the shape of Noah's Ark. Comes complete with figurines of Noah and some of the animals he saved.
"Blessed is the one who walks on the soil of Jerusalem." Well, now you can be blessed, wherever you walk. Unique insoles for your shoes are made from genuine Jerusalem soil, and shipped to you from Israel.
So, which were real and which were fake? If you think you know, read on...
I'm afraid I didn't make this one up. The Sai Baba web site tells the story of how the noted guru Sai Baba conjured a piece of photographic paper from a computer printout of the Shroud of Turin, and then exposed and developed it instantly with his hand.
I like the incidental details on this one. It's almost like homeopathic medicine, the way tiny trace quantities of holiness are diluted down into the picture. A copy of a photograph taken from a printout of a scan of a photograph of a shroud, which may or may not be a copy of another image itself.
Genuine, I'm afraid. Check out the Testamints (TM) web page. Spearmint, peppermint and wintergreen mints, individually wrapped in verses from the old and new testaments.
If you want something a little different, try Scripture Cookies.
Another real one. Check out Worship Wear for all your casual Christian clothing needs -- whether it's a genuine Polyester "Serve The Lord" tie or a "Victory Through Jesus" T-shirt. Check out the "Online with Jesus" mouse pad too.
Genuine, of course. Armageddon Books have the movie, and also a selection of other videos -- including some by my favorite TV preacher of doom, Dr Jack Van Impe. I'm tempted by their video which explains how the cashless society is ushering in the era of the Mark of the Beast. I notice you can order it by credit card...
Apocalypse, Atlantis, the Galactic Web and the Virgin Mary? It just has to be a joke, probably something from the Church of the SubGenius, right?
Sorry, no. Head over to B&A Products and see for yourself. You'll find an overview of the various maps in a newsletter article; don't forget to order the book describing the rest of Mary's message to the world. B&A also sell survival rations, hand-cranked radios, and self-defence equipment -- everything you need to equip your shelter so you're ready to hole up and sit out the End Times. Meanwhile, their Q&A page answers questions like "Why don't any of my friends believe this stuff?" (Gosh, I wonder?)
Another genuine product, available from Pinnacle Enterprises.
Yup, another real one from I.G. Harmony in Tel Aviv. I wonder what Dr Scholl would say?
So, how did you do?
If you've seen any bizarre religious products advertised on the web, let me know. I'm sure I've only scraped the surface -- help me find the bottom of the barrel...
mathew
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Last updated: Wednesday, 30-Nov-2005 17:06:10 CST
