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I've often wondered why only the Quakers became involved in the breakfast foods industry. Quaker Oats are all very well, but why don't we have Catholic Waffles and Lutheran Pop-Tarts? (A cynic might argue that the Catholic church's attempts to give Satan a makeover constitute waffle, but let's leave that aside for the moment.)
Anyway, it turns out that breakfast cereal has a bizarre religious heritage. The official Kelloggs web site tells part of the story, explaining how Corn Flakes were invented as a health food by Dr John Harvey Kellogg. The success of the invention inspired the formation of several other cereal companies near Kellogg's first factory, including Post.
What these jolly historical overviews fail to draw attention to, however, is that Kellogg was a kook, a quack doctor. You see, what Dr J.H. Kellogg was really seeking was a cure for masturbation. Corn Flakes were part of his radical purifying diet, intended to remove the impurities of the body which led to that impure deed. If diet failed, he advocated circumcision without anaesthetic, which he felt would teach the hairy-palmed savage a salutory lesson. (For women, he suggested burning off the problem area with acid.)
In fact, it's thanks to Kellogg and a few other religious quack doctors that genital mutilation of newborn children became a routine practice in America. Knowledge of the health risks of circumcision is now spreading widely, but Kellogg and colleagues have had a lasting effect on generations of American men.
Kellogg tried to give his breakfast cereal invention to the Seventh Day Adventists. We might have seen Seventh Day Adventist Flakes next to the Quaker Oats, but sadly the church didn't entirely share the good doctor's convictions, and turned him down. Graham crackers were also part of an attempt at curing vices such as masturbation; they too went on to achieve great popularity in the USA, but their religious beginnings are generally forgotten... All of which goes to show that good inventions have sprung from the minds of religious lunatics.
Which brings me to Alex Chiu, perhaps the exception that proves the rule. I have to confess that I've read a lot of crackpot pseudo-scientific drivel in my time, including the classic works of Charles Berlitz and Erich Von Daniken. I know they're not supposed to be comedy or SF, but I still find them entertaining. And if you also get giggles from that kind of thing, then you're going to love Alex Chiu's web site.
"If my Eternal Life Device does not give immortality, then the entire bible is a joke," he proclaims. Without explaining the reasoning behind that statement, he rushes headlong into a small monument to the geniuses who were mocked in their day, but who turned out to be right. Great men like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, and Alex Chiu. Yes, modestly he accepts his position alongside Einstein, Tesla and Edison; for he has invented the Eternal Life Rings:
"The Eternal Life Rings are to be worn on both small fingers of a user during sleep. The Eternal Life Foot Braces are to be worn on all toes of both feet during sleep. Both devices consist of rare earth, cobalt, or ceramic magnets and plastic braces which hold magnets onto the fingers of the user."
Folks, we're not just talking about a couple of plastic rings with permanent magnets in them. Alex has filed a 76 page patent application describing in detail how the rings are carefully engineered to adjust the flow of blood in the human body and reverse the ageing process. Your cholesterol levels will be lowered and your IQ raised to 180; one satisfied customer has testified that the Eternal Life Rings cured his diabetes! The rings also cure mental illness -- Alex knows, because a mentally ill person told him so. What more proof do you need?
Yet for some strange reason, geniuses like Alex Chiu tend to get raided by the FDA; something about unwarranted medical claims, or some such nonsense. Just remember that one day, hospitals will use Eternal Life Rings to re-animate decomposed corpses. But wait! That's not all! Order your Eternal Life Rings now, and get Bible Code software absolutely free!
Wondering how those Bible Codes were constructed? Alex has the answer. Yes, we've only scratched the surface of what this genius has to offer the world. There's his teleportation machine, for example. Admittedly, it does come with a small caveat:
"Eternal Life Device is already patented and is proven by many people to be working. Teleportation is not. The reason why I wrote this page is because we need teleportation very badly since everyone now lives forever."
In other words, "not built or tested". But because we need it badly, it just has to work, right? Well, if wishes were horses, we'd all be up to our necks in horseshit by now... and metaphorically speaking, I think we just might be... But apparently if we don't build a teleport, China will nuke the planet, so we'd just better get on with it.
In the mean time, have you ever wondered where gravity comes from? Alex has worked it out. The core of the earth rotates faster than the surface. (And in the wrong direction, apparently.) The resulting friction generates gravity, as well as causing the static electricity which becomes lightning. Wondering what God is? Alex knows, and has written down God's Thirteen Principles. After that, you can read about how Chairman Mao's Little Red Book is the Mark of the Beast, and browse the Bible Questions for Atheists and religious people.
When you're done with the quiz, we can continue with this month's assignment, because it's time to get out that workbench and build a UFO. Alex's instructions don't seem to be terribly detailed, but his improved theories of 1998 were inspired by Nikola Tesla, and I've managed to find some instructions on how to build a UFO using Tesla technologies. Another web site offers advice on how to glue pretty much anything to anything else, which is bound to come in handy. (Oops, I'm sorry, I seem to have mentioned a useful web site. I'll try and make sure it doesn't happen again.)
I've noticed that sooner or later, most crackpot weird science web sites mention Tesla. His life story is a classic tale of a brilliant scientist who went off the rails in later life. For example, he invented radio, and Marconi refined it -- but they wanted to use it to contact the dead. It's said that when Tesla's hopes for radio failed, and it became a way to transmit music, he began to hate his own invention and never listened to it. Instead, he spent his time coming up with progressively more bizarre inventions, including time machines and death rays. (I found some wilder theories about Marconi's obsessions and his own brand of weird science.)
Meanwhile, Edison resorted to dirty tricks to try and rubbish Tesla's early inventions, such as the AC electricity system in your home. Nowadays, Tesla is a cult figure, with many web sites dedicated to his work; I even found a long-winded attempt at a scientific explanation of some of his more bizarre inventions. Or at least, it looks scientific, and in the world of Tesla technology, that's what counts.
Meanwhile, the march of scientific progress goes on, as inventors bring us new innovations like the non-reversing mirror and the human-powered hydrofoil. And Alex Chiu is right: They laughed at Edison, they laughed at Einstein, and they laughed at Tesla. However, it's worth remembering that they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
mathew
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Last updated: Wednesday, 30-Nov-2005 17:06:10 CST
