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If you spend a lot of time on the web, you'll know that your bookmark file tends to grow without limit. I organize mine as a set of folders, most of which contain more folders, which contain the bookmarks. I recently got to the worrying stage where there were too many top-level folders to fit vertically on the screen when I went to the menu.
Writing a regular column like this doesn't help. I've collected hundreds of bookmarks which are bizarre and stupid enough to be worth mentioning; unfortunately, a lot of them don't really lend themselves to extended analysis. I've decided it's time for a clearout; but I can't bring myself just to delete everything. So...
Someone call Mulder and Scully: The Mind Control Forum are a bunch of people who have discovered that mysterious implants have been placed in their brains. They believe a sinister "shadow government" cabal is broadcasting microwave signals to the implants to control their thoughts via voice hypnosis. The victims page mentions that symptoms of the mind control devices include apathy and social withdrawal; the page also gives the warning that some victims can become randomly hostile and confrontational. I think it all sounds remarkably like a textbook case of untreated schizophrenia, but I expect they have programmed me to think that. But it reminds me of the following joke:
Q: What's the difference between a Christian and a paranoid schizophrenic?
A: One person hears voices, is convinced his thoughts and actions are known to some outside power, thinks the world was designed and created for him and that he is central to everything that goes on, is sure he's part of a special divine mission, believes that ordinary everyday events have some special transcendent meaning visible only to him, sometimes speaks in incoherent babbling voices, and believes supernatural forces are at work to influence his actions. And the other one, of course, is a paranoid schizophrenic...
MKULTRA for kids: Sure, the CIA did some mind-control experiments in the 50s and 60s. Nowadays, though, there's a kindler, gentler CIA, as evidenced by the CIA Kids' Page. Of course, what it doesn't tell you is that Bogart the CIA dog was trained to sniff the other way when South American drug traffickers shipped crack to LA from Nicaragua to fund the Contra rebels. It also fails to mention that Harry Recon the Pigeon was the little bird who told the Soviet Union about Francis Gary Powers' U-2 flight, and arranged to make sure that the plane would mysteriously descend to detectable altitude, and that its self-destruct system wouldn't work, so that the planned US-Soviet summit would be cancelled and the cold war would intensify.
The FBI and DOJ also have pages for kids. The only unrelentingly sinister three-letter organization seems to be the NSA. The best way to get a laugh out of their site is to read about Project ECHELON, and then read the earnest-sounding Privacy Policy linked from the front page of the NSA web site.
Two great flavors that go great together: It's Celtic. It's Feng Shui. It's Celtic Feng Shui! Now at last you can set up a harmonious environment using tree oils, and protect your house after burglaries. Maybe I'm missing something, but wouldn't it be better to protect your house before the burglary?
"He was convicted of Felony Ass-Coveting": The Society for the Practical Establishment and Perpetuation of the Ten Commandments are not a happy crowd. They've identified the heathen plot that we call the US Constitution, and one of their number--an ex-atheist--has exposed our sinister secrets. Now it's time to fix America, and fix it good. Away with democracy, which "originated in the mind of a rational being who has the deepest hatred for god". Away with gender equality--"inequality towards women...is not injustice, but great wisdom".
Yes, it's time to tear up the Constitution and Bill of Rights, replace them with the Ten Commandments, and bring on the Republic of Gilead. But what I want to know is: if the Statue of Liberty really stands for the "Freedom to make a living off foolish, vain and immoral employment", why am I not getting paid for this?
Sign me up: The wonderful Religious Tolerance web site has a list of Satanic Holidays--as identified by Christian authors. All I can say is: Wow! No wonder Satanism is so popular! What other religion gives you fifty-eight religious holidays a year, plus your birthday? Then again, I thought Demonic Time-Sharing was a Florida vacation home scam until I discovered the Internet...
Operators are standing by: The Unity World Headquarters web site is an Internet-enabled approach to religious life. Knees tired? Too busy to take a prayer break? Just enter your request on their e-prayer form and they'll pray for you. They also accept prayer requests by fax and telephone. Be nice.
JC Phone Home: The NewPrayer web site is even more wired and direct. They've calculated the exact location of the center of the universe, which must be where the Big Bang started. Obviously since that's where the universe was created, God must have been there too. So to make sure God receives your prayers, NewPrayer will beam them directly at God using powerful radio transmitters. Presumably God has one of those microwave implants like the guys at the Mind Control Forum.
I always knew the phone company was evil, but: You've probably seen those ads for Lucent Technologies, a spin-off of AT&T. But did you know that the red circle is a representation of the Solar Serpent, a Satanic deity? That Lucent have a project called Inferno? And that they've moved into office buildings at 666 Fifth Avenue? Well, thanks to Texe Marrs, you do now. And speaking of 666...
Patently Stupid: US Patent #5,878,155 covers a "method for verifying human identity during electronic sale transactions". It consists of a bar-code tattoo on the palm of the hand, which must be shown and scanned with a laser beam in order to purchase products. Thomas W. Heeter of Houston, Texas claims to be the inventor of this innovation, but I can't help thinking that he might have a problem with some two thousand year old prior art...
Of course, Thomas has six letters. Heeter has six letters. Could his middle name be Walter? And notice that "Thomas W Heeter" is an anagram of "The whore's mate" and "Owes them Earth"... Coincidence or conspiracy?
But does he swallow? We already have Christian books, Christian music, and Christian movies... isn't it time for a Christian computer operating system? If so, I think there ought to be a better name for it than Jesux. Yes, it's a Christian version of Linux--no daemons, chmod supports hexadecimal so you don't need to chmod 0666, and there's no sendmail because it was written by a homosexual. Don't worry, though, the Bourne-again shell is still the default. Is it a joke, in spite of the claims of seriousness? You decide...
Gentlemen... to religion! There's always space for one more religion in the meme pool, so why not the religion of toast? Yes, give us this day our daily bread, that we may grill it gently on both sides.
In a word, no: I'm willing to accept that someone might just have all the answers. However, I'm pretty sure he won't be posting them on a GeoCities page. Was a Biblical curse the cause of the misfortunes of Mary, Queen of Scots? Are appearances of the Virgin Mary part of a Vatican plot involving Communist East Germany and the Illuminati? Is the Dalai Lama going to become spiritual leader of India, and will Uri Geller be proclaimed as Elijah returned??
Tell us something we don't know: Finally, speaking of knowing the answers, the hip new search engine Google knows a few things. For example, try searching for more evil than satan.
mathew
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Last updated: Wednesday, 30-Nov-2005 17:06:10 CST
