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"We are not just animals," Eppright told a gathering of some 2,000 young people at a Christian concert. "Our faith in Jesus Christ will carry us through even the most difficult actions."
Eppright announced a twelve-point Spiritual Staircase by which true believers can succeed in overcoming urination and defecation. "It is not a sin to have the desire to pee," Eppright conceded, "But it is a sin to carry out the act. There are some who believe Satan's lie that they can pee and do-do because they claim it is not forbidden in the Bible."
Followers are asked to meditate on selected Scripture passages being published in the Corporative State Committee's new book, "Holding The Promise." Suggestions include keeping one's mind on holy things instead of bodily functions, praying for sinners to realize their errors and therefore stop thinking wrong thoughts, and wearing lots of clothing at all times to reduce temptation.
"Anyone can join this movement," Eppright continued.
"Young or old, married or single, any race or color, can join with God's Right Guard." With this, he announced the formal incorporation of the non-profit foundation, True Pee Waits, Inc. "For a free-will donation of $2,736.25, you will be spared from the depths of perdition, as will be evidenced by the red, white and blue Pyrite Calf you can put on your desk. You will know that your dollars will go further because they will be matched two for one with Foreign Missions Offering money diverted from fruitless attempts at relief work in Africa, where all they want from Western culture is to learn how to ask for AFDC."
Joining Eppright on the stage was Aston F. Mummy, chair of the Christian Project for Pelf and Place (CPPP.) "The CPPP recommended the 'Friday the Thirteenth' movies for showing to young children because, by showing the murderer as a loner and his victims as proper middle-class family members, the 'friday the Thirteenth' movies support Christian family values. We denounced the Bill Cosby Show because it sought to undermine the correct Christian vision that those people just want to have babies and goof around on welfare. And now, we endorse True Pee Waits because True Pee Waits calls on Christians of all stripes to stand tall, resolute before the secular humanists, and take back America."
Reaction from the Christian community has been positive. The 667 Club, an educational television program, ran most of the presentation, with the following commentary: "Bathrooms have traditionally been a place where un-Christian thoughts enter the brain of man. Heathens write things on bathroom walls they know that Christians will kill them for saying. When all Americans join Christians to quit going to the bathroom, we will march forward to a Kingdom on Earth that will be without parallel. There will be no pollution, since commodes will never flush again. There will be no liberalism after get rid of undesirables who get abortions and think bad thoughts about the rich people who buy our evangelists with their tax-deductible contributions. There will be no more political correctness after we stamp out all heresy. Don't forget, there will be a Flush Dividend as cities find they will not have to provide sewer services, and this money can be spent on more people in uniform to shoot anybody who tries to take a leak."
The Cross and Fire Pro-Life Committee also endorsed True Pee Waits. "What this country needs is good Christian discipline," said spokeswoman Annie P. Willdo. "Every abortion is a murder and a sin against God. The killing of the unborn is a great Holocaust and an injury to family values. If we can teach our children to not pee at an early age, then they will have the will-power to not get horny when they get to be teenagers. This will eliminate teen pregnancy. If they don't have the will power to not pee, then the Bible says what to do: Hit them with a rod until they die as Christians. Better an eternity in Heaven than a life of sin on Earth." The Cross and Fire Pro-Life Committee denounced the bombing of a public restroom at Union Station in Washington, DC, but sent $400 million to the defense fund of the man accused of setting off the bomb.
Some Christian analysts believe that True Pee Waits will be challenged by the militant extremists who promote the sinful lifestyle of those who go to the bathroom and pee and do-do. Several ministries have sent out fund-raising appeals for money with which to fight the Toilet Agenda. "We are responsible and open-minded people," said commentator Thaxton Out. "Christians are not a bunch of bigots who try to tell people what they can or cannot do in their own homes. We are just standing up to the radicals who want to promote the Toilet Agenda in our schools, polluting our young children with their filthy lifestyles. We are standing up to the atheistic fanatics who want to corrupt our churches with the false doctrine that one can be both a Christian and a bathroom-goer. We thank the Lord that we are the salt of the Earth and that we are not like other men."
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