Library: Humor: Autopriest

Autopriest

J. Simon

Autopriest v3.5 Release DELAYED

Officials representing the joint McChurch/MicroSoul project to make forgiveness of sins available to the public at affordable prices have again been delayed due to a combination of software and hardware problems.

"It was frustrating," said beta-tester Azreth Coleman. "I drove up to the plastic jesus-head, made my confession, and drove up to the window. I'd ordered a Seven-Deadly Sins Seven-In-One Forgiveness Dispenser -- You just can't beat that deal! -- But all I got was a crummy Angel-Gabriel Action Figure. Sure, it's fun to pull the string and watch him Smite innocent passersby, but I do not feel spiritually satisfied. Hell, the "bless-you" light didn't even flash!"

Numerous complaints have also been lodged against the stationary units (many of which are disguised to look like Tyme machines). Most notably, the sin-parser has not yet been debugged, causing one young woman's confession of "impure thoughts" to be interpreted as "Worshipping the sacred cow-god. All kneel before the all- holy guernsey. Moo! Moo!"

Finally, the Vatican today announced that it would not condone any Autopriest using software written by a female programmer. "We are concerned that widespread Autopriest use may lead our followers to believe that females are human beings. Such gross impiety will not be condoned by the Vatican."

Officials outside the McChurch/MicroSoul organization also want to make sure that the AutoPriest v3.5 will not supplant the enormously succesful Zealotry for Windows v3.4 which has already posted over 34,000 YOU WILL BURN IN HELL messages to the internet.

Despite such concerns, the release date for Autopriest v3.5 has been set for February 24, 1995. Project director Kent Donovan noted, "We are infallible. We say that AP-35 was released several months ago, and therefore it was. Do not question the ways of MicroSoul. Moo."

- Lars Bacteriophage ( ---,--'--{@ )

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