Library: Humor: Hot To Get Rid Of Door-To-Door Missionaries

How To Get Rid of Door-To-Door Missionaries

Rorke Haining

A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Watchtower scattered around...
My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet voice): "I'm sorry, I don't give a damn about Jesus." Worked everytime. The missionaries just backed off the porch in slack-jawed, bug-eyed disbelief.
Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried off perfectly. The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the missionary will be: Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say "Allah be Praised!!!" and just see what happens.
Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to missionaries. For extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car. Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the missionary. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.
The young couple came to my door. I was wearing my robe, and had just awakened. Now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I have hair all over everywhere. I made my eyes real piercing, and stared past them. I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in their getup and their bland faces. Well the female one obviously is supposed to do the introduction because she sort of panicked, and said: "We're...we're...we're..we're....we're...." And then she stared helplessly at the other one and he said: "uh... uh.... uh... uh..."I then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture between Peter Lore and Lurch, I said: I... WILL... TAKE... YOUR... LITERATURE... AND... GIVE... IT... TO... MY... MASTER. The male one quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were peddling. They did not ask for a donation. They ran. It's a true story, and they never came back.
A friend claims that when missionaries knock on her door, her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!
A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about God?" She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
Missionary ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow. Interrupts SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you wouldn't do that.

SIW: Thank you, but I already have a religion.
Missionary: May I ask what it is?
SIW: I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure if it's legal in this country.

Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the stairs.
I answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."

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