Library: Humor: The One True Cool Religion

The One True Cool Religion

John A Novotny, Jr.

Let's all take a break.

Let's start a new Religion. Let's call it "Coolness"

#1 - Authority

I must be recognized as the leaders of Coolness. Everyone must listen to my rhetoric and not question my leadership. Solution: I have talked to God, and he has appointed me the Supreme Frosty. I have written down everything He said in the sacred scriptures which I keep and update from time to time. I will occasionally publish parts of the scriptures, and I will interpret them for you, (this stuff can get pretty complicated, and I wouldn't want you to bruise your brain thinking about it too hard.)

#2 - Solidarity

Followers must not question the legitimacy of Coolness. Solution: God has told me that Coolness is the one true path to eternal happiness. All other religions are the work of the devil, and it is forbidden to even THINK about those other religions. Coolness members are required to spend time walking the streets of their cities, recruiting new members, seeking donations, passing out literature.

#3 - Longevity

We need lots and lots of followers, both now and in the future. Solution: The scriptures say that Coolness members should have lots of children who must attend Coolness Sunday-school to learn the rules of Coolness. Those children will someday have many children, who will have many children, etc. We've got a perpetual motion machine going here.

#4 - Money

It takes money to keep Frosty going, not to mention the paperwork of printing brochures, books and scriptures. Solution: The traditional 10 percent (tithe) should be a good start, plus we'll have occasional "special collections" for: missionaries, building funds, school projects, missionaries, satellite channel rental, travel requirements, meetings, missionaries and the poor. Cash is preferred, however checks, stocks, bonds, jewelry and bullion will be accepted. Compared to the riches which await you in heaven, worldly goods mean nothing. (However, I can put it to good use promoting Coolness.)

#5 - Theology

OK, we need a purpose in life. Solution: The purpose in life is to have everlasting happiness in heaven for all eternity. How do we get there? By following the rules of Coolness, by sending money to Frosty, and by promoting Coolness to everyone else on the face of the earth. It is especially important to recruit disillusioned members of other religions (Catholics are preferred, they'll believe anything) especially teenagers with new, shiny cars and good credit ratings.

#6 - Reinforcement

Coolness members must be reassured that they have found the ONE TRUE path to everlasting happiness. Therefore, coolness members are required to attend cool services at least once per week, more often is good. Services will consist of: 1) coolness members congratulating each other in having found the one true religion, 2) coolness members describing how much better life is after joining coolness and how evil non-cool people are, 3) Frosty will describe all the evils in the world (see any newspaper front page), 4) Frosty will warn cool followers that the only ticket to everlasting salvation is through coolness, 5) Frosty will tell followers that their seat in heaven will be much more plush if they recruit new cool members, 6) members will sing cool hymns, shake hands and pass the "plate" while dropping lots of cash on Frosty (money will only be used to promote coolness and save the souls of the heathen population).

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):

Question #1 - Is the consumption of alcoholic beverages allowed?

Answer #1 - Sure, why not. God put grapes and hops on earth for all of us to use. Just try to stay cool when you drink. Moderation is a virtue.

Question #2 - Is the consumption of caffeine permitted?

Answer #2 - Sure, why not. God put coffee and tea on earth for all of us to use. Besides, how else would we sober up?

Question #3 - What is the cool doctrine regarding divorce?

Answer #3 - We are very sorry that divorce happens, but hey, who said life is perfect. Divorce is discouraged but sometimes it is unavoidable. If you have a really good reason for getting divorced, Frosty can take your case under special consideration. A donation of several thousand dollars will allow Frosty to travel to Las Vegas where he will talk to God on your behalf and attempt to swing the decision in your direction. Frosty is benevolent. (Occasionally, God talks to Frosty through slot machines and tall blond dancers.)

Question #4 - What about birth control?

Answer #4 - Birth control is usually forbidden. We NEED new cool members and birth control is counterproductive to that goal. However, once you have twelve (12) children, you've done your duty to coolness and birth control can be used.

Question #5 - Where will future Coolness leaders come from?

Answer #5 - Those that are interested in starting their very own cool congregations should simply apply to the SCHOOL FOR COOL which is currently being built in a sacred place in Maui. (Until the school is constructed, we will be forced to use a 4-star hotel in Kona.) Once you graduate from the Cool School, you will be certified and you will then be capable of starting your very own franchise. Tuition is a mere $10,000 per month for 6 months. (School is in session November through April of each year.) The tuition represents a mere fraction of the actual cost of education which is subsidized by contributions from the Cool. Keep those donations coming folks. Oh by the way, franchise operations are required to send the "home office" 25 percent of all donations. The Supreme Frosty reserves the right to audit the books of any franchise operation.

Question #6 - Any big holidays on the cool calendar?

Answer #6 - Of course. April 1 is the coolest of cool days. This was the day, back in 1994 when the Supreme Frosty fell off a 20-foot extension ladder and had the out-of-body experience which was the very beginning of coolness. We celebrate this day by carrying aluminum ladders through the streets in processions. Really devout members may occasionally climb to the top of their ladders and fall off. (Watch out below.)

Question #7 - What happens when someone asks you a really TOUGH question that you can't answer?

Answer #7 - The Frosty may have to go on 'retreat' to contemplate extremely difficult questions and seek an audience with God. Depending on the time of year, retreats could happen in Switzerland, Belgium, Paris, Hawaii, Tokyo, Las Vegas or Aspen. There is no guarantee that an answer can be provided. Some things are to remain 'mysteries of faith' and we won't get the answers until we meet God in cool heaven.

Question #8 - What is the worst kind of evil in the universe?

Answer #8 - The WORST evil imaginable is a human who does not believe in coolness, or a cool member who doesn't pay the full 10 percent of GROSS income, (including all capital gains, lottery winnings, insurance settlements, etc.). Words can not describe just how evil these people are. Every cool member should send extra cash to the Frosty so that together, we can try to rid the world of these evil persons by converting them to devout coolness.

Question #9 - Why is there evil in the world?

Answer #9 - Evil exists only to demonstrate what a lack of coolness produces.

Question #10 - Any holy wars in the future?

Answer #10 - Heck no - we might lose members that way.

Question # 11 - Where is the church?

Answer # 11 - We don't call it "church" - it's an igloo. Anyway, we're waiting for God to tell us the right place to build our igloo, but there are also a lot of technical problems (refrigeration). Until we finish construction, we will simply email services and documents over the internet. In the mean time, contributions can be mailed to the Frosty's post office box.

Last Question - How do Cool members recognize each other?

Last Answer - Cool members will recognize each other through the secret cool handshake (ice cube between hands), or by saying the secret cool password ("It sure is COOL today" or "Gee it sure would be nice to have a COOL drink right now"). From a distance, members can acknowledge each other by using the Cool Move (fanning your face with a dollar bill.) Members who prove that they have paid their full 10 percent by forwarding copies of their W2 and 1099 forms, will receive official membership cards and a sacred plastic decoder ring which can be used to pass sacred messages to other cool members. If you see the sacred decoder ring on another person - they are cool.

Frosty

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